merc retro meh?

i seem to be in a slump, on a lot of levels but mostly religiously. oh, not between the theoi and me. we're groovy, even though i haven't done much in the way of formal ritual this year. but in trying to get anything co-religious going, either on-line or IRL, i just seem to keep tripping and falling. i've always known this was a hazard of being an adherent of a tiny, tiny religion, and been resigned to it. lately though it rankles. not sure why.

the internet is such a huge boon. i don't think modern paganism would ever have become more than a hiding place for misfits without the 'net. i certainly wouldn't have the resources and support i've found in cyber-world, and i am beyond grateful.

Io Hermes!

and yet its limitations are pervasive and frustrating. hellenion kicked my ass tahelandgone this autumn. neokoroi is dead as a doornail. the FB groups seem to have filled up with the same degree of assholiness that used to abound on the AOL pagan boards (to wit, i got admonished today to 'grow a pair' because i don't agree that modern hellenistoi should believe that the greek gods are the Only True Gods because maybe someone in 5th century athens thought this was the case.) i have learned after much rancor and angst not to obsess over internet spats and internet prats, but the bad taste lingers. if our own ridiculously tiny community can't be somewhat open, or at least respectful, how on earth can we expect society at large to be tolerant or respectful of us?

and i'm tired of being patronized, even though it's mild and usually loving, by both monotheists and agnostics. maybe i'm being over-sensitive, but i swear i've been slapped in the face more in the last couple of months than in the last couple of years by loved ones saying things along the lines of 'i understand why it's fun/easy/necessary for people to believe in myths or have a need for gods in their lives when they're at a certain (low) level of intellectual evolution.'

::::::::patpatpat::::::::::::

i have never thought i'd be anything but a solitary for the most part. i'm fine with it. i LIKE it. but sometimes one does have the need to stand under the sky with someone else who gets what it's like to feel Hera gazing back at you from the darkness between the stars, or for Hermes to stalk through the woods around you, eyes burning, or for Demeter to set you ablaze with the force of Her love. i miss Working with witches who are serious about magic and exploring ways and means of creating tangible changes in ourselves and our lives through ritual exploration. i love the focus and intensity of ceremonial magic and the immediate and often startling benefits it stirs up in my life. and i seem to have lost that. my witches are busy raising babies, almost all the CMs i know (with a few brilliant exceptions) are arrogant douchebags, the OCA is defunct, my little hellenion proto-demos is so tiny and scattered we can't ever get together, and the online communities to which i belong are either utterly apathetic or dominated by windbags who are far more interested in impressing each other with their pseudo-intellects and how much they've read than honoring the gods. they're like middle-school girls getting dressed up for each other.

i feel jaded. i don't like it. it's not my natural state of being. one of the nice things about being somewhat of a twit in my 50s is that i spend a lot of time in a wide-eyed state of wonder, which however naive or simple it makes me look to others, lets me enjoy marveling at what a miracle mortal life is.

i guess i need to get off the internet and find it again.

wah.

khairete

suz